I was inspired partly based off of the need for a replacement for Gai if the Vyram somehow manage to return. And I was inspired by Red Hawk, the name Red Hawk. Ryu is essentially a military man. The word "hawk" can be used to describe people who are for wars (used during the Vietnam war). Dove was used to describe people who were against fighting, pacifists, based off of the dove as a symbol of peace. So I thought the perfect opposite to Ryu would be a Dove, a pacifist, someone who it would be even harder to get to join the team than Gai. And that's how I came up with Ariana. I put a little bit of myself in Ariana, without making her a Mary Sue character (mainly the political side of me, and my hair), just to warn you, it deconstructs the idea of an author avatar.
My worst fear is people thinking Ariana is a Mary Sue, though.
Think of Ariana as Haley Smith on American Dad.
Ariana's also kind of a female expy of Gai. She rides a motorcycle, hates Ryu initially and refuses to join the team, and smokes... stuff....
Also, the story breaks the forth wall a number of times, makes fun of a lot of conventions of super sentai, and fanfics.
You'll get to know where the rest of the team is now. And just so you know, Ako's going to end up with someone when the fic is over. I'm pretty sure you can guess who it can be.
The fic has some mature themes (Ariana and her friends smoke, like Gai, only what they are smoking is something Gai probably wouldn't touch). So if you go to fanfiction.net, it wouldn't appear through the pre-set filters. So here is the link.
Click Here to Read It!
Let me know if you find Ariana Mary Sue-ish at all.
Also, I know doves aren't silver, but white is already taken. And hawks aren't red, so there!
If you fear that Ariana turns out to be a Mary Sue, well TV Tropes has some... guidelines...
ReplyDeletehttp://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/SoYouWantTo/AvoidWritingAMarySue
Thus far, though, Ariana wasn't so much of a Sue, she doesn't seem to be exceptionally beautiful, she wasn't treated like she's some special person, wasn't said to be completely overshadowing Gai, etc. I'm sorry I wasn't of much help of the Suedom.
However, since last time I gave a big criticism to Sean's story, I may as well make it your turn.
It seems that you made it that each chapter contains different scenes. At first this gets annoying because this can be remedied with line breaks, which fanfiction.net provides. But lately, your scene gets really long... An improvement, I guess. But moving place in a scenery doesn't mean moving a chapter.
I think it wouldn't hurt to add up more narration stuffs such as how the characters felt, what are their emotions when they say X or blah blah blah. Also it gets confusing when a line contains a person saying things but you don't know who said that.
Consistency is also important. So is Aya called by her name or everyone called her 'Chokan'? This applies to when characters say something or whether Aya is mentioned in the narration.
Overall, decent, could use some work, but you shouldn't be down on yourself. I guess the Mature filter is why you don't get reviews much. Speaking of smokes, I really should get Gai SMOKE or attempt to in my fic. Smoke isn't really heavy mature themes compared to rape or sex scene so I think it'll be safe if you do lower the rating a little.
And hey, it's just now I knew you got a fanfiction.net account! Drop by and review my piece too, if you have time! Good luck improving this fic!