tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8875344407267842771.post2736562576266264017..comments2023-10-17T02:03:24.746-07:00Comments on That Toku Blog: Shameless Self-Promotion Returns: My newest fanficThatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02939211121765946654noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8875344407267842771.post-65350629132220518912011-09-12T23:59:29.945-07:002011-09-12T23:59:29.945-07:00If you fear that Ariana turns out to be a Mary Sue...If you fear that Ariana turns out to be a Mary Sue, well TV Tropes has some... guidelines...<br /><br />http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/SoYouWantTo/AvoidWritingAMarySue<br /><br />Thus far, though, Ariana wasn't so much of a Sue, she doesn't seem to be exceptionally beautiful, she wasn't treated like she's some special person, wasn't said to be completely overshadowing Gai, etc. I'm sorry I wasn't of much help of the Suedom.<br /><br />However, since last time I gave a big criticism to Sean's story, I may as well make it your turn.<br /><br />It seems that you made it that each chapter contains different scenes. At first this gets annoying because this can be remedied with line breaks, which fanfiction.net provides. But lately, your scene gets really long... An improvement, I guess. But moving place in a scenery doesn't mean moving a chapter.<br /><br />I think it wouldn't hurt to add up more narration stuffs such as how the characters felt, what are their emotions when they say X or blah blah blah. Also it gets confusing when a line contains a person saying things but you don't know who said that.<br /><br />Consistency is also important. So is Aya called by her name or everyone called her 'Chokan'? This applies to when characters say something or whether Aya is mentioned in the narration.<br /><br />Overall, decent, could use some work, but you shouldn't be down on yourself. I guess the Mature filter is why you don't get reviews much. Speaking of smokes, I really should get Gai SMOKE or attempt to in my fic. Smoke isn't really heavy mature themes compared to rape or sex scene so I think it'll be safe if you do lower the rating a little.<br /><br />And hey, it's just now I knew you got a fanfiction.net account! Drop by and review my piece too, if you have time! Good luck improving this fic!ChrisXhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00164796685849567436noreply@blogger.com